Everyday Life with Skelebros
by Manizu
Summary: Everyday lives of the Skelebros, and occasionally Alphys, Undyne, Frisk, and the others. No real pairings, no OCs. Rated T in case my sense of humor gets dark (it shouldn't). Art credit to LuluDig of Deviant Art; used with permission. (SLOW UPDATES)
1. I Just Want a Nap - Part 1

**Quick note: there's no real timeline for this series. So…**

Sans looked to the left.

No Papyrus.

The right.

Still no Papyrus.

He sighed.

Good. The house was completely empty.

A day of sentry duty, directly preceded by an all-night marathon of schlocky MTTFy movies (a bad idea, he knew, but once he started he couldn't stop), had left Sans in need of a nap. Not just any nap, but at least a good hour or two of solid sleep.

He dragged himself up to his room, stopping only to lock the door. Curling up around a pillow, he closed his eyes. He could almost see the beginnings of a dream flickering before his eyes—something about UltraMettaton EX Sigma Phi vs. The Generic Giant Rubbery Human—when a clatter came from downstairs.

He blinked.

Several times.

"wh…what?"

Without bothering with even the basic formality of putting on slippers, he stumbled out the door.

"bro…what are you doing?" Sans put on his best "completely-awake-and-not-half-dead" face.

There was another clatter, and Papyrus emerged from the kitchen.

"OH, SANS, DON'T YOU LOOK SO AWAKE AND NOT HALF-DEAD TODAY! ON DAYS LIKE THESE, DON'T YOU JUST FEEL LIKE DOING THE DISHES?"

He disappeared around the corner, and the clanging of plates and pans resumed.

"yeah, but…Paps…" He raised his voice to be heard over the din. "PAPS!"

It stopped.

"…can't you be just...y'know…a little quieter about it?"

Suspicion crossed Papyrus's face.

"ARE YOU DOING ONE OF YOUR SCIENCE THINGS THAT REQUIRES LOTS OF ATTENTION AGAIN? ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT CERTAINLY ISN'T ONE OF THOSE HUMAN DATING GAMES ALPHYS LENDS YOU?"

Sans hung his head. He'd have to hide his borrowed copies of "All-Purpose Sexy Cat Girl Nuku Nuku Naughty~Adventure 3" a little more carefully next time.

"yeah. that's exactly it."

"ALL RIGHT, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T BLOW ANYTHING UP…AGAIN."

Barring one _minor incident_ , Sans couldn't remember ever causing an explosion. He wanted to roll his eye sockets at his brother's TV-acquired understanding of science, but instead turned and trudged back up the stairs.

"oh, my love…please let me sleep" He mumbled something to that effect as he flopped on the bed.

Five seconds later, he groaned:

"OOOOH MY LOOOOVE! PLEASE RUN AWAAAAY!"

Despite his fatigue, Sans felt his eye glowing blue at the robotic screeching from the backyard. Without bothering with even the basic formality of walking down the stairs, he teleported to the back door and opened it.

He wished he could pour bleach in his skull to cleanse his mind of what he saw next. On the roof, directly above him, stood Mettaton, singing some sort of sappy aria.

In a dress.

In his EX form.

"REALLY SAAAAD…YOU'RE GONNA DIIIEEEE…CRY CRY CRYYYYY…SO SAD IT'S HAPPENING."

With a final dramatic trill, the small crowd gathered in the backyard burst into applause. Mettaton gave a curtsy, and fainted dramatically…

…off the roof…

…onto Sans.

"…"

It took everything in his power to assume a cheerful face as his brother rushed over. Well, at least he—

"METTATON, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!"

More followed.

"Like, be my husband!"

"Like, no way, be mine!"

"Like, we can share, Bratty!"

"I…I, uh…really liked it…"

"Awesome!"

The smile he tried so hard to keep up dropped.

"well, it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings…"

His brother looked down.

"SANS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE! WAIT, DON'T TELL ME…" His eye sockets narrowed. "WERE YOU TRYING TO PRANK HIM ACROSS TIME AND SPACE?"

He sighed.

"yeah. that's exactly it."

"Oh, my…" Mettaton blushed. He jumped off of Sans, landing perfectly on his pump-clad feet. "Well, darling, as much as I appreciate your dedication, I can't say I care for your comment about…what was it…the fat lady?"

It was at this moment that Sans's dislike of the TV personality turned to hate. He got up, brushing snow off his shorts.

"yeah. you're kinda made of… _heavy metal._ "

The group surrounding them collectively groaned.

"Hmm. Not quite my genre, but I suppose I can be versatile. Oh, who am I kidding, darling! I'm Mettaton, star of the century!" He leaned in close and whispered in Sans's lack-of-an-ear.

"Listen, darling. I'm a robot. I can TELL you're not exactly…on your feet today."

Ah, good. Someone understood. Maybe he'd get all these people to go away, and—

"And I'm going to make you absolutely miserable for that."

Sans's face turned red from anger.

"Kyaaaah, he whispered something to him!"

"I would trade my SOUL to be him right now!"

"Mettaton…so close…"

"Look! He's blushing!"

He stood up.

"okay, show's over, right? c'mon, maybe you all should…throw a guy a _bone."_

One more, everyone groaned.

"Well, actually…" Alphys stepped out from the crowd, a box tucked under her arm. "Uh, Papyrus invited us all over because…because…"

"Because Alphy brought over an AWESOME and NOT DORKY card game for us to play!" Undyne flexed her muscles. "It's got SWORDS, and SPEARS, and…"

"AND IT LOOKS AMAZING! AND I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, SHALL SURELY PREVAIL WITH MY KNOWLEDGE OF ROYAL GUARDING!" He paused. "WELL, AT LEAST WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM UNDYNE'S TRAINING."

Sans briefly wondered if he could go find some earplugs before remembering his lack of ears. He turned to go back inside…

"Leaving so soon, darling? Oh, come on! The more, the merrier!"

"THAT'S RIGHT! SANS, YOU SHOULD COME PLAY WITH US! ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU HAVE TIME TO PRANK MY FAVORITE SEXY RECTANGLE!"

Mettaton mumbled something about having surpassed the form of a rectangle while Sans tried to come up with an excuse.

"i, uh…"

He had none.

"…one game. I'll kick your _tail-bones."_

A double-groan was had for the bad pun and terrible excuse for trash-talk.

* * *

Notes:

Based on several true stories. Whenever I try to take a nap, the universe conspires against it.

I've been doing some writing, but it hasn't resulted in a lot of visible progress. Bleah.

UltraMettaton EX Sigma Phi is indeed a double reference to Ultraman and Virtue's Last Reward. After a year of trying to play it, I have yet to finish it…but DO NOT SPOIL IT FOR ME, MORTAL, OR I WILL HAVE YOUR H—

Ahem.

On Alphys and Sans's relationship: whoo, this is going to be a long one. But…Alphys makes a remark in the ending if you ask her about Sans that's to the effect of "How do I know him? …Doesn't everyone know Sans?"

Alphy's a bad liar. And that sounds like a bad lie.

I think Sans used to work under Gaster as a Royal Scientist (hence where his mysterious rent money comes from—it's a pension), rather than being his creation. That's just the theory I have—it seems to me that the "but the Skelebros are really his sons" theory, nice though it sounds, just doesn't have enough proof to back it up yet.

Anywho, I support the idea of Alphy and Sans being friends to some degree, since they seem to have been coworkers at some point.


	2. I Just Want a Nap - Part 2

It was thus that Sans found himself seated on the floor of his living room with Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus, and Mettaton. At this point, even the carpet felt soft enough to fall asleep on; he hoped he could stay awake through the game…

"Oh my, darling, having trouble staying awake?" Mettaton winked.

"not at all." He whispered in the robot's ear. "listen, buddy; i'm a sci—" He caught himself. "…a sci-fi fanboy. I can...tell that form's sucking your batteries like crazy."

Mettaton put a hand over his forehead dramatically. "Alas, how could I so easily be defeated (and etc.)!"

He pulled something from the pocket of his dress.

"Extra batteries, darling."

Sans felt his smile turn quickly into a grimace.

"cheater."

"S-so here are the rules…" Alphys read from a sheet of paper, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "The game's called…Shorty. The s-story is…once upon a time, there was a VR netgame ruled by humans and monsters. One day, all the human characters glitched and ran amok, while the monsters became trapped inside the world of the game. Uh…and then, a single human arose. His name was Goliath, and he challenged the monsters: 'If you wanna leave, you're g-gonna have to go through me! Come challenge me when you get the SOULS of seven humans!'"

"And the good! Part! Is!" Undyne made spear-swinging with her hands at each interjection. "You get the SOULS by challenging human soldiers!"

"…Or, you can buy them by selling stuff you don't need each turn. Humans are pretty gullible." Alphys looked back down at the paper, then continued. "You can equip armor to make you stronger and help you take down enemies. You may have a class card; this will give you bonuses and skills on your journey." She shuffled the deck. "Any questions?"

Papyrus raised his hand.

"CAN I BE ON THE ROYAL GUARD? PRETTY PLEASE?"

"Papyrus, that's not the way it works…" Undyne shook her head.

"Uh, y-yeah, you have to draw a class card f—"

"YOU HAVE TO DEFEAT ME FIRST!" Undyne suplexed the couch just because she could.

"…Y-you know, let's just deal the cards first…" Alphys cut the skeleton and fish-woman off before they could form their own set of house rules, and began passing out cards.

Sans looked at each one as he received it:

 _Thief Class…Hoodie of the 'Hood…Slovenly Slippers…Lost N00b…Pizza on a Stick?!_

Mettaton looked down at his hand.

"…I don't seem to have a class card."

"too bad, guess you have _no class._ "

"I-it's okay, you can just play without one." Alphys ignored Sans's pun and played her own class. "Scientist."

"Captain of the Guard." Undyne grinned. "PERFECT!"

Papyrus whimpered.

Sans shrugged and laid down his thief class.

"All right, punks, so here's how it's gonna work!" Undyne's eyes glowed with excitement. "Each turn, we go to a tavern full of corrupted human data! We kick the door down! If there's anyone there…" Here she grinned. "We fight 'em! And if not…" She seemed slightly disappointed. "You, uh, loot the booze or whatever."

"I'll go first to show how it w-works." Alphys laid down a few cards. "So, I'll equip Lab Coat as my armor, which gives Scientists +2 in combat. Your own SOUL counts as a Strength Point, so that brings my Strength Level to 3. Then, for my weapon, I'll hold a Sexy Catgirl Waifu Figure; +1 to any class." She smiled. "My strength level is 4, so…let's kick D-DOWN that door!"

She drew an "Approaching Enemy?!" card and laid it on the table.

"…Annoying Hipster, level 3." She nodded. "I'm strong enough to defeat him, so I take his soul and the treasure he's holding." She demonstrated by drawing a "L00t W00t" card. "If I couldn't defeat it, I would have rolled to run away; if there was no one there, I could l-loot the booze. Now, it's Undyne's turn."

"ALL RIGHT!" Undyne threw down Imperial Armor (+4 to Royal Guard) and Leg-Protector-Things of Leg-Thing-Protecting (+3, but -1 to escape initiative). "KICK DOWN THAT DOOR!"

Alphys nodded and placed a card on the table.

"…Incredibly DETERMINED Kid, Level 20."

Silence filled the room.

"U-uh…wow, I didn't think you'd get the most powerful enemy right off the bat…" She looked at the card closer. "B-but it'll ignore you since you don't have 5 human SOULS yet."

Undyne was still strangely quiet. Then, her face erupted into a grimace.

"Hey! Punk! Come back here!" She jabbed a scaled finger at the card. "Don't you run away on me! You gotta face danger head-on!"

"…uh, Undyne, I get the feeling…that kids' kind of a freak. they're holding a knife. and licking monster dust off it."

"Oh my, darling. That almost sounds like one of the humans I've faced on my show, The Glamorous and Sexy Mettaton vs. The Evil Dastardly and etc. Forces of Humanity! Now on MTTFy every weekday at 7:00 Mt. Ebbot Central Time!"

"Excuses!" Undyne ignored Mettaton and began to rant at Sans. Meanwhile, Papyrus looked over his hand.

"…ALPHYS, I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

"Hm? What's wrong, Papyrus?"

"HOW DO I TELL WHICH CARD IS ARMOR, AND WHICH ONE IS SHOES, AND—"

"Oh, that's easy. It's just printed in the corner. See?" She pointed to her own armor.

Papyrus continued to squint at his cards.

"I'M STILL CONFUSED. I'LL JUST LAY THEM DOWN SO YOU ALL CAN SEE THEM AND HELP ME." He did exactly that.

"U-uh…well, the rules don't say anything against that, so…" Alphys leaned over and looked at his hand. "Here, you've got a Large Femur, and Underpants on the Outside. All that g-gives you +4, so put those on. There's nothing else you can do for now, so just kick down the door."

"ATTENTION ALL IN THE TAVERN! THE GREAT PAPYRUS WISHES TO DO BATTLE, AND CAPTURE A HUMAN SOUL SO I CAN JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD!"

"you're so cool, bro." Sans looked up from the choke hold Undyne was giving him to flash a thumbs-up.

"…Uh…you don't have to give them a speech. And also, that's…not really how it…?" She cleared her throat. "Nevermind. The ch-challenger!"

 _Flip._

"Annoying Dog-person, Level 6. Becomes Level 8 if the user has a bone-type weapon equipped."

"NOOOO! TO THINK, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, CANNOT DEFEAT EVEN A DOG-PERSON!"

"Actually, it's fine; look, you have a Pot of Bishie Cream. It'll give you +3 for one battle."

"Oooh, are they promoting my brand?" Mettaton struck a pose, revealing his shapely legs.

"WOWIE, MAYBE THEY ARE! THANKS, METTATON! I'LL REMEMBER YOU ONCE I INEVITABLY GET PROMOTED TO CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD!" Having completely forgotten who helped him, Papyrus drew two "W00t L00ts" and placed them face-up on the carpet.

"Any time, darling." He cupped his chin in his hands. "Now, I do believe it's…my turn?" He laid down a Bejeweled Microphone (+3), Heartbreak Heart-Print Belt (+2), and Them Legs (+1; +1 run away initiative due to distraction and also legs). He also laid down a Glamburger for the sake of self-promotion.

"Now, I'd like to kick that door down with these gorgeous legs of mine!"

"Uhh, sure." Alphys laid down a card. "…Sexy Android in a Dress, Level 7."

"Oh, my! Is 'flirt' an option? How about 'buy a drink?'"

"…Uh, it's not the kind of tavern where you…meet people."

"yeah, more like where you _meat_ people."

"I WILL TAKE THIS LARGE FEMUR AND END YOU, SANS."

"H-hey! No in-fighting among players!" Alphys waved her hands toward Papyrus.

"Why not? It'd be so AWESOME!" Undyne summoned a spear made of magic, and pointed it at Papyrus's face. "I'll challenge you for that soul you got earlier!"

Sans watched the chaotic display. On any other day, he'd be really getting into a game like this—and indeed, he had. But his lack of sleep was really starting to catch up with him (admittedly, the scuffle with Undyne hadn't helped), and if the game completely went off the rails?

He hated to admit it, but…it'd be over. They would all leave, and he could finally get a nap. He decided to sit and watch the world burn.

Mettaton seemed to notice, and acted accordingly.

"AAAAAND while that's all well and good, I can't defeat this beautiful, delicious robot as I am now, so I play Death by Glamour to gain +5 and win!" He discarded the card, taking a SOUL and two "W00t L00ts." "Now, my dear Sans, it would be your turn!"

Sans rubbed his eye socket. What could he do, in terms of ending the game early? He could try to win, sure; but that would likely take hours with this group.

The only other option he saw, then, was to piss off the most volatile member of the group:

Mettaton.

Yes, that was exactly it. If he could ruffle the robot's feathers (hopefully metaphorical ones; he wasn't sure he could handle his next form having wings), maybe he could force him to forget the insult in favor of frustration at the game.

He grinned, and tapped his "Thief" card.

"roll to steal Mettaton's bejeweled microphone."

* * *

Notes:

Is this the mandatory tournament episode? Have we already sunk that low?

The game is Munchkin, with a bad dose of SAO and slightly simplified rules. Whoop whoop.

Papyrus showing his hand is 100% based off my dad. He does this EVERY TIME. (Oddly enough, they both like spaghetti, like, a lot.)

I have to consult A Value Between 0 and 2 every time the name of Mettaton's show comes up in my fics. I wish I would have named it something shorter. (This is the real reason Sans calls it "The Glamorous and Whatever Mettaton vs. Yadda Yadda Yadda" or something later in the series; I was too lazy to look it up.)

I didn't expect this arc to have three chapters, but…Munchkin seems to take as long on paper as it does in real life. Expect only one more chapter of this, and then a couple of fluffy one-shots.


	3. Night Guard

**Note: Just a little intermission from Sans's card game shenanigans to focus on brother fluff.**

"FAREWELL, BROTHER! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AM OFF TO SERVE AS SNOWDIN'S NIGHT GUARD!"

Sans looked up from the couch, where he was seated with a bottle of ketchup and the TV remote. "bye, bro." He was glad he didn't have the night shift this time; not only did he hate working when he should be napping all night, but he also heard there was supposed to be a pretty bad snowstorm that night. "stay warm, okay?"

"I HAVE MY CAPE AND MY BATTLE BODY! I HAVE NO NEED OF ANYTHING ELSE!" With vigor in his step and a lantern in his hand, Papyrus opened the door to a winter night in Snowdin. Lanterns and holiday lights cast colorful pools on the snowy ground, broken only by the shadow of the skeleton as he made his way toward the Forest.

He wouldn't have the luxury of huddling up in the sentry station; his patrols would take him all over Snowdin tonight, from the edges of town to where Old Home once stood. The first snowflakes of the night began to drift down as he crossed the bridge; he pulled his cape tighter around himself and continued valiantly on.

He could hear snores as he passed the Greater Doghouse; like his brother, that dog was probably napping all night. He reminded himself that there was nothing particularly wrong with that since it still remained alert on guard duty, unlike a certain _someone._

He tensed a little bit as he approached the door to Old Home. He remembered a story Sans had told him, a long time ago:

 _"y'know, some days you can hear voices from behind that door. like an old lady weeping or something."_

 _"SANS, THAT'S NONSENSE. NO ONE LIVES IN OLD HOME ANYMORE."_

 _"you never know. maybe she's…a ghost?"_

The thought sent chills down his spine, and he left as soon as a quick swing of the lantern revealed no humans in sight. He couldn't imagine why his brother insisted upon hanging around it so much, or why, of all things, he wanted to tell _knock-knock jokes_ to it.

 _"I dunno. doors get lonely too, I guess."_

He shook his head. His brother never told anyone anything.

The snow blew down harder as he walked through the puzzles he and his brother had made for humans. None of them had seen any use yet, but just looking at them made him happy. One day he would find a human, and he would capture them, and take them to Undyne, and finally be inducted to the Royal Guard—

And they could all be friends. The thought made him warm inside.

Ah, there—he was almost to the Ruins. A patch of ice stretched out before him.

He looked left, then right.

No humans, or anyone else.

Perfect.

He carefully placed one foot on the ice, then kicked off with the other, sliding around on his boots. A smile overtook his face, and he held his arms out. For one moment, the Great Papyrus dropped his greatness and reveled in a moment of childish glee.

He tried to pull off a jump like Mettaton in Figure Skating with a Sexy Rectangle, only to trip and slide facefirst across the ice. With that idea out, he brushed snow out of his cape and continued onward.

The next stop on his route was the river. The light of his lantern reflected from the water's surface, but only on his side. He squinted, trying to see the other bank in vain; in the darkness of Snowdin's moonless night, it may well have seemed endless.

One wouldn't even know there was a river there at all if it weren't for the sound of the water trickling lazily past.

He sat there for a moment, watching snow drift down into the water and the occasional bit of debris float by.

 _"hey, bro, c'mere. let me show you something."_

He remembered the day Sans placed a dead leaf in the water, and watched it float away.

 _"it's a boat."_

Papyrus had clapped his hands in glee, gathering a whole pile.

 _"haha, slow down. what're you doing there, kiddo?"_

 _"I'M GOING TO MAKE A BOAT RACE! OR MAYBE A WHOLE FLEET!"_

 _"all by yourself? man, you've got big dreams."_

 _"OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE GOING TO HELP ME!"_

 _"all right, all right, calm down. here…"_

The two spent half an hour sending leaf-boats down the river. Some were pulled under quickly by the water; others were caught in the crabgrass by the banks. A precious few sailed out of sight, never to be seen again.

 _"WHERE DO THEY GO?"_

 _"huh?"_

 _"THE BOATS. WHERE DOES THE RIVER END?"_

Sans thought for a moment.

 _"hard to say. some people say they go past the Waterfall, and even into Hotland. but I'll tell you a little secret."_ He paused dramatically.

 _"WHAT? WHAT? TELL ME!"_

 _"hmm…"_ He stretched. _"I dunno, it's getting kinda late…maybe we should head ho—"_

Before he could finish his sentence, Papyrus wrapped his arms around his waist. He looked up at his brother.

 _"I'LL KEEP YOU HERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME! NYEH HEH HEH!"_

 _"guess there's no helping it, then."_ He faked a sigh. _"well, some monsters say it goes on, past Snowdin, past the Waterfall, past Hotland and New Home…and they end up at the Surface."_

 _"WOWIE!"_

 _"yep. they say for every leaf that makes it out, a monster gets a wish granted."_

 _"DO YOU HAVE A WISH, BROTHER?"_

 _"…nah, can't say I do. maybe I'd like to see the Surface someday."_

Papyrus let go of his brother, posing dramatically. _"SOME DAY, I'LL JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD! DO YOU THINK I'LL GET MY WISH?"_

 _"maybe. that leaf's got a long way to go, though…but maybe, one day, it'll make it."_ Sans bent down, picking up a rock. He tossed it offhandedly toward the water, turning away as it skipped once, twice, three times across its surface.

 _"well, guess it's time to head b—"_

 _"WHAT WAS THAT?!"_ Papyrus's eyes shone.

 _"i'll show you next time. but look, it's getting dark; time to head back before the meaner monsters come out."_

Papyrus smiled at the memory. He dug around in the snow with his gloved fingers, eventually finding a dead leaf. For old time's sake, he set it down in the water, and made the same wish he had since that day.

He didn't check to see if it had made it, but turned around and headed back toward Snowdin as the snow poured down.

* * *

It hadn't been that bad when he left; he was sure of it.

But now, the wind whipped harder, sending bits of sleet and slush into his eye sockets.

It was all right, he told himself. It wasn't like he hadn't been out in blizzards before, but this one was especially persistent.

It was all right. Soon he'd be home, snuggled up in his racecar bed with a neatly tucked-in blanket and a fluffed-up pillow and—

An especially strong gust of wind knocked him to his knees, and his lantern went out.

 _ALL RIGHT,_ he thought. _I'M CLOSE TO THAT SENTRY STATION WHERE THAT ONE SENTRY LIKES TO MAKE SNOW-DOGS. IF I CAN JUST GET THERE, I CAN…_

He stumbled forward, hands meeting snow.

 _WAIT IT OUT…_

The wind whipped his cape about him. His vision blocked, he blindly waved his arms around until—

"OW!" His hand smacked wood. "AH!"

The Sentry Station. Although the prospect of sitting still for an entire shift usually bored him, he was never more glad to see the structure than at this moment.

He huddled behind the counter, pulling his cape over his face.

"IT'S ALL RIGHT…IT'S ALL RIGHT! I'M GOING TO MAKE IT HOME! THE GREAT PAPYRUS CANNOT BE VANQUISHED BY MERE SNOW! I—"

"aaa…..…uuu…"

A voice from the distance jolted him from his monologue.

"WHO'S THERE?"

"…aaa…."

A light appeared in the distance, slowly getting closer.

"ARE YOU THAT GHOST SANS WAS TALKING ABOUT? DON'T COME ANY CLOSER; I HAVE AN ARSENAL OF GARLIC, CRUCIFIXES, AND HOLY WATER!" He fumbled around, his hands meeting only frozen bottles of ketchup and relish. "THIS ONLY LOOKS LIKE A KETCHUP BOTTLE, BUT I ASSURE YOU IT IS A REVOLVER FILLED WITH SILVER BULLETS!"

The light grew closer. A short figure with a lantern in one hand and a thermos in the other grew clear.

"…Papyrus? bro, is that you?"

Papyrus shivered.

"BEGONE, FOUL BEAST!" He waved the ketchup bottle threateningly and covered his eyes.

"uhh…bro, it's me. Sans." He held the thermos up. "looked like it was getting kinda bad out, so I thought I'd bring you cocoa. but then this happened…" He held out a hand. "c'mon, let's go home."

Papyrus hesitated for a second, but finally took it.

"ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT A GHOST?"

"ghosts are _spineless_ ; I've got too much _backbone_ for that."

Papyrus was cold and tired; it wasn't until they were nearly halfway home when he worked out the pun. The Greater Dog would later remember being awoken by a cry of "SAAAAAANS!" as Papyrus chased his brother the rest of the way home.

* * *

"…AND THEN I GOT TO THE RIVER, SO I MADE A WISH."

Papyrus sat on the living room couch, wrapped in a blanket, a steaming mug of cocoa in his hands. Sans sat next to him, listening as he recounted the night's events.

"nice, bro. so, what was it this time?"

"TO JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD, OF COURSE!"

"heh, why'd I even ask…that's so cool." Sans stirred a dollop of mustard into his mug before taking a sip.

They sat in silence for a minute.

"HEY, SANS."

"yeah?"

"IF YOU WERE TO MAKE A WISH AGAIN, WHAT WOULD IT BE?"

Sans leaned back, exaggerating a sigh. "well, I still don't really know. I wouldn't mind going to the Surface and seeing the stars, but I'd want you with me, and whoever grants 'em might call that double-dipping." He took another sip of chocolate, wiping the milk mustache on his sleeve. "so I guess if I had to pick anything…" He paused.

"OH, DON'T DO THIS AGAIN. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS."

"you always ask the hard questions."

"YOU NEVER TELL ANYONE ANYTHING! SURELY THERE'S SOMETHING YOU WANT?"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding." Sans laughed. "well, then, I guess if we couldn't both make it to the Surface, I'd want…just this. I'd want to stay here, drinking cocoa and making puzzles and (ugh) even doing sentry duty…with you. …that's really it, I guess." He set his mug down and got up, stretching. "think it's about time to get some shut-eye-socket. 'night, bro."

After the door to Sans's room had clicked shut, Papyrus sat alone.

Even though his brother was a dork…

And a slob…

And a sloven…

And wouldn't stop making horrible jokes…

He wouldn't mind it if their pace of life never changed.

* * *

Notes/Manizu Chatter:

I wanted to write about Snowdin at night, and then realized I'd probably need some sort of plot to go with that. Hm.

It was originally going to be about Sans, but…this series needs more Papyrus. So here he is! (I think it worked out for the best; he has a really rosy view of the world.)

I think it would be interesting if each zone under Mt. Ebbot had its own wish-lore like this. So in Hotland, would it be solving the frustrating arrow-jump puzzles on the first try?

Mustard—Sans _does_ like other condiments, too…


	4. Valentine's Day

**A series of notes attached to a heart-shaped box of chocolate reads:**

*happy Valentine's Day, bro. you're #1 in my _heart._

SANS, NO. THAT WAS SWEET UNTIL YOU MADE THE PUN.

*would a _kiss_ make it better?

I SWEAR IF THAT'S AN ACTUAL CHOCOLATE KISS YOU'RE PULLING OUT OF YOUR POCKET—

IT IS. I'M DONE WITH YOUR PUNS, BROTHER.

*too soon? fine, then, I'll make one choco _later._

[SCREAMING]

*you wrote '[screaming],' but you're smiling.

I HATE IT…AND I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, TOO.

 **A series of notes attached to a book about stars reads:**

IT'S A BOOK ON STARS. I THOUGHT YOU COULD LOOK AT THAT, SINCE WE CAN'T SEE REAL ONES DOWN HERE.

…

*it's great, bro.

…

*y'know, star names are pretty weird. I'm sure there's lots of _pun-_ tential he—

(The last part is cut off by angry chicken scratch.)

WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT!

*sorry I _Taurus_ apart. _Canis_ ever be forgiven?

…

 _LEO-_ VE ME ALONE.

*I knew you'd come around eventually. happy Valentine's Day, Paps.

…HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

* * *

Notes:

I couldn't think of a full storyline to write for Valentine's Day, so here's a note chapter instead. (I swear I'll finish the I Just Want a Nap arc, I Just Need Some Time…)

Early update, but bleah, I'm busy tomorrow.

I'm sorry for stealing the Kiss pun from…basically everyone…but it was too good to resist!


	5. I Just Want a Nap - Part 3

Silence filled the room.

"A-ah! So someone's finally using a Class Skill!" Alphys pushed her glasses up, excitement clear on her face. "All right, the rules for stealing are: 1. You must discard a card to get the chance to steal an item. 2. You must roll a 4 or more to s-successfully steal the item. 3. If you can't steal the item, stealing rots your innermost being, and you lose a human SOUL."

Sans whistled. "that's, uh, some tough stuff there. so I can't lose my own SOUL?"

"Y-yeah, that's right."

"got nothing to lose, then." He shrugged, and discarded the Lost N00b.

"Now hold on! I JUST equipped Bejeweled Microphone! How come he already gets to steal it?"

"'cuz that's how I _roll._ " Sans threw the die and hoped for the best. It turned upon itself, slowly, slowly…

Across the room, every eye lay upon the cube as it trailed across the floor. Sans found his fingers tightening around his kneecaps.

 _It's all right if it doesn't make it…I can just try again. I only need to annoy him into quitting—_

"…5. S-sans, take his Microphone."

Sans grinned, and equipped it to his person. "yay, now I can chase my _idol dreams._ "

"SANS, NO, NOT AGAIN."

"what? you don't want to drop the pop candy again, even for old times' sake?" He held the card to his mouth like an actual microphone. "'umbrella at y—'"

"Darling, darling, pleeeease! Stop!" Mettaton covered his ears. "I've already had to suffer the loss of my microphone; don't take my hearing, too!"

Sans grinned. It was all going so well. Just a little more of this, and…

"U-uh, Sans, it's time to kick down the door."

"oh, right." He equipped Slovenly Slippers and Hoodie of the 'Hood for a total bonus of +6 and entered the tavern.

"…Curse."

"…curse?"

"I f-forgot to explain it, but…you can find Curse Cards in taverns. Tainted drinks or something." Alphys read the card. "Lockjaw: Spells (or bonus items, like Bishie Cream) and mouth-based weapons (like the Blowgun or, well…your Microphone) are disabled for the next round."

"oh…"

"And, also, uh...no talking until your next turn."

Sans frowned, and drew a question mark in the air.

"Uh, b-because, it makes it more fun? Don't ask me…"

"Oh, my, darling…" Mettaton grinned, and flashed a card in the air. "It's really too bad…I have an Un-Curse right here, and I'd almost be willing to trade you."

Sans traced letters on the carpet.

 _how much?_

"Your SOUL…oh, I forgot, you don't have one. How about that lovely Microphone, then?"

 _over my dead body._

"All right, Darling, just thought I'd offer." He put the card back in his hand. "Let's have a moment of silence, then." Mettaton bowed his head in mock respect.

Sans thought. He couldn't simply trade back the microphone—it would be useful later. But being unable to talk would hinder his goal of ending the game early…

Or would it? He'd just have to get creative.

"All right, then!" Undyne slammed a hand on the floor. "The standings are: Alphys, 1 SOUL. Myself, 0 SOULS..." She looked frustrated for a minute, then continued. "Papyrus, 1 SOUL and a wide-open strategy. Mettaton, 1 SOUL. Sans, 0 SOULS and a (hopefully) pun-free round."

Mettaton stood up, stretching his legs.

"Darlings, I think I need to go freshen up. How about we take a break and start again in a few minutes?"

 _he's changing his battery._ A dangerous idea bloomed in Sans's head, but for now it would have to wait. Right now, he needed to focus on staying awake.

He motioned a thumbs-up.

Undyne rolled her eyes.

"All right, but make it quick. My THIRST FOR HUMANS SOULS CANNOT WAIT FOR YOUR EYELINER!"

"U-Undyne, calm down…"

The robot exited the room, and Sans stood. He pantomimed a drinking motion.

"GETTING SOMETHING TO DRINK? ALL RIGHT, BUT BE QUICK! I JUST _KNOW_ I'LL BECOME LEADER OF THE ROYAL GUARD NEXT TURN!"

He slipped into the kitchen. All right. There would have to be something in here he could use to stay awake. Maybe…

Mustard. Yes, mustard was always his go-to when he needed something stronger. He opened the fridge and found…

Nothing. Well, containers upon containers of spaghetti, and nothing else.

He closed the door, grabbing a pen and a pile of sticky notes on his way back to the living room.

 _*why are we out of mustard?_

"I TOLD YOU. IF WE'RE OUT OF SOMETHING, WRITE IT DOWN ON THE GROCERY LIST!"

He thought. There wasn't nearly enough time to see if he could find a half-finished bottle in one of the Forest's Sentry Stations; further, it would have to thaw before he could drink it. He surveyed the rest of his options.

A spice rack hung over the stove. He could probably take a sniff of something stronger—cayenne or some such—but that sounded more painful than it was worth. His only other option, then, was…

Ice cubes.

Yes, it would have to be ice cubes. He didn't exactly look forward to the thought, but if it kept him awake through at least the next turn…

With that and the sticky notes, he might have a chance of turning this game around before it ever got anywhere.

He braced himself, taking an ice cube between index finger and thumb. He paused, water beginning to drip and run down toward his carpals.

…

He stopped thinking about it and just shoved it down the back of his hoodie. Immediately, his eye sockets widened with pain. He gripped his head, fell to the floor, and shook until the horrible evil death cube melted.

"…Uh, Sans…"

He looked up. Alphys stood in the doorway, a quizzical look on her face.

"…I-I don't know what's going on here, but…Mettaton's back now. So…"

She turned and left the room before Sans could finish writing out "*i'm NOT CRAZY I SWEAR—"

* * *

Notes:

It trudges slowly onward! (I feel comfortable continuing it now that I actually have an ending…)

I feel like I'm writing Mettaton as a huge jerk here, but actually, I like him. A lot.

DARLING, DARLING, PLEEEEAAAASSEEE! …I'm not sorry for making him say this.

Can we talk about skeleton anatomy for a second? Like, how Sans and Papyrus could probably feel cold since nerves run through bones, and how Sans is fully capable of bleeding since blood vessels also run through bones, and how Sans is most definitely dead in Genocide Run, stop trying to act like he's not…? That kind of thing…?


	6. April Fools', Such as It Was

Papyrus opened his eyes slowly.

There was something he needed to remember today. He was sure of it.

…

Ah, right.

He tentatively flexed the fingerbones of his left hand.

No shaving cream.

Just as carefully, he sat up. No towering stack of hot dogs collapsed from his forehead, nor did he feel a hastily-installed metal bar smack his face.

. In other words, Sans was late this year.

He wouldn't let himself be fooled. It was April 1st, and undoubtedly Sans would be at it with any number of pranks. He made a sort of game out of it—tried to see if he could top himself every year with the sheer quantity of juvenile jokes he made his brother go through.

52\. His all-time record, achieved two years ago. Since he hadn't "won" last year, he would surely be out with a vengeance this year.

It would be easier to stay in bed. Papyrus knew that. But the idea of missing a day of work over his brother's silliness…the sick feeling it gave him was more than enough motivation to get him out of bed every year.

He carefully checked his doorway for a bucket of water, and stepped out into the hallway.

The stairs were next. A scan revealed no banana peels, no scattered sets of legos. He cringed at the latter. It wasn't that they would particularly hurt him, being a skeleton and all…but they might scuff the soles of his boots, and as a future Royal Guard he _just couldn't have that._

Next came the task of actually _descending_ the stairs. While the prospect seemed almost harmless, he knew he couldn't let his guard down now. Four years ago, Sans had gone to the effort of pulling up the floorboards underneath one of the steps, leaving only carpet in the shape of a step.

If only he would apply that same ambition to his work, he thought. The two of them could capture a human in no time.

He gripped the stair rail (after first affirming that it was actually there, and _not_ simply absent like three years ago), and placed the edge of his foot on the step.

Carpet. Then, the stable support of wood.

Good. That was a good start.

He continued down in exactly the same way: carpet, wood. Carpet, wood. Carpet, wood.

Towards the bottom of the stairs, he could see Sans sitting on the couch, a mug in his hand. Oh, how laid-back he looked! A grin even goofier than his usual stretched across his face; probably watching a recording of some stand-up comic (his "tradition" on what he liked to call "National Comedians' Day")—

Or laughing preemptively at his brother's anguish.

The nerve galled him. He grimaced, finally stepping onto the stable carpet-and-concrete combo of the living room floor. Sans looked up.

"oh, heya."

'Heya?' That was weird. Normally, on the "Annual Torturing of the Great Papyrus," he would greet him with the traditional salutation of "april fools', bro."

Papyrus glanced over at the TV. It was not, in fact, stand-up, but some old sci-fi horror movie that he really didn't want to look at too long because NO, in fact, it did NOT SCARE HIM, but…

Regardless, this was all wrong.

Maybe he had simply forgotten? No, that wasn't possible—he couldn't forget his favorite holiday.

The only logical explanation was…

He was trying to catch him off guard.

And Papyrus wouldn't stand for any of it.

"DON'T YOU 'HEYA' ME. I KNOW YOUR TRICKS!"

"my tricks. right. …my, uh, what?"

"YOUR TRICKS!" He grandly threw an arm across his chestplate. "A LITTLE FLOWER TOLD ME THAT TODAY WAS…WAS…"

"…uh…Friday?"

"I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU, DO I? OF COURSE NOT! BUT REST ASSURED! I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU!"

"well, eye-eye, future Captain." Sans took a sip from the mug as Papyrus screamed in agony. "dunno what any of that was about, but…I made some tea. can't drink it all on my own. it is truly…a trage-tea."

"SANS STOP IT—"

"'right, fine. anyway, you want some?" He held out an empty cup.

Ooooooh. Acting _so_ innocent, wasn't he? Well.

" _NOOOOO_ , REALLY, IT'S _FIIIIINE_!" Papyrus spoke as casually as he could, drawing out the words to prove just how casual he was. "I WAS IN THE MOOD FOR _COCOA_ THIS MORNING, _ANYWAAAAAAY!_ " He started toward the kitchen.

"but Paps, you hate cocoa in the morning. said the hot milk makes you sleepy."

"YOU MUST HAVE BEEN HEARING THINGS! THE GREAT PAPYRUS DOES _NOT_ GET SLEEPY, NOR EVEN VAGUELY FATIGUED!" He whistled completely inconspicuously as he gathered ingredients.

"mm-hmm. who told me that? the same little flower that told you today was Friday?"

"YES, THAT ONE!"

"aaaaaallll righty, then." Sans stood up, popping his knuckles. "welp, sentry duty's about to start, so I guess I should go get ready."

"YOU MEAN THROW ON YOUR JACKET OVER YOUR PAJAMAS? LIKE ALWAYS?"

"mm, yeah."

As Sans trudged upstairs, Papyrus seized the opportunity to check the kitchen. A quick taste revealed that the sugar was, in fact, not salt, and vice versa. An avalanche of ketchup packets did not pour from the refrigerator. The jars of spaghetti sauce had not been emptied and refilled with those loathsome Spaghetti-O's, despite Sans's emphatically-described fantasies of "carb-on-carb pastaception." The heathen.

No, it wasn't right at all. Surely he would have made a move by now.

Unless…

Unless he was planning a bigger prank. Something so extensive, it would top every prank he had ever played _combined._ A practical joke gauntlet, so to speak; at least fifty-three pranks' worth of material.

Well. The Great Papyrus was certainly up to the challenge. All he would have to do…

Was survive the day.

He poured the pot of cocoa into a thermos and clasped it to his belt.

"SANS! ARE YOU READY?"

His brother poked his head through the doorway. A muffled, unenthusiastic groan ensued.

"ALL RIGHT! I CAN WORK WITH THAT!"

* * *

"…And…with that…" Alphys pushed up her glasses, surveying her work with a sense of pride. "T-the puzzle's installed."

"…WOWIE."

The puzzle that lay before the three was truly a thing of beauty. If one could forgive the fact that it looked vaguely like the remnants of a disco parlor, it was quite impressive.

"so…the human steps on the red tile, and…?"

"A-actually, they couldn't step on the red tile."

"oh. well, what about the blue tile?"

"THAT'S ELECTRICITY."

"Actually, that's w-water, but…if you step in the water and then get electrocuted, it would…really hurt."

"what about the orange?"

"Uhhh…it makes you smell…like lemons?"

"WAIT. WOULDN'T THAT BE ORANGES?"

"O-of course! Oranges! I meant oranges!"

"and the purple…?"

"I…uh…" Alphys twiddled her claws nervously. "I f-forgot."

"FORGOT?"

"Well, it's okay. I'll send Mettaton by with the instruction manual later." She grinned. "O-or, if you ran through it now, I'm sure you could figure it ou—"

"REALLY?"

"NO! …P-papyrus, no, that's a terrible idea. Uhh…April Fools'?" She laughed, and looked down guiltily. "Uhh…sorry. I mean…you would've gotten hurt if you had actually…tried to…"

Sans turned toward her, eyes pitch-black.

"did you…just…say…"

"Sans? A-are you…oka—"

"…April Fools'?"

Papyrus recoiled. Was he truly ignorant of what day it was? Had this all been a mistake? Were his nerves set on edge for _no reason at all?_

"Y-yeah, I did. Why? Something wrong?"

"…yeah. something's really, really wrong. because…"

He looked up.

"I mean, it's a day early, isn't it? march 31st, right?"

…

 _How?_

"Oh…maybe it is. I mean…I'm no good at keeping track of stuff like that." Alphys stood completely still for a minute. "U-uh, I'm just gonna go watch anime and escape the embarrassment."

"HEY, ALPHYS. CAN I…TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING PRIVATELY?"

"Oh…s-sure?" She flushed red. No, this couldn't be—

"OH, IT'S NOT LIKE A CONFESSION FROM ONE OF YOUR CARTOONS FOR BABIES. IT'S MUCH MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT."

"Oh…um, okay." The two of them moved out of Sans's earshot.

Papyrus took a deep breath—proverbially speaking. He needed to get this straight.

"Did Undyne play a prank on you today?"

"Oh, yeah…come to think of it…" Her eyes widened. "She burst through my door this morning, saying she found a hidden village of ninja deep in the Waterfall cave."

"WOWIE! DID SHE?"

"…No. It, uh, was just Temmie in a Naruto headband."

"OH." He was deeply disappointed—even if it was something to do with a silly cartoon for children. After all, what if they had needed a Royal Guard? The Great and Magnanimous Papyrus would just have to—

"S-so, I got her back. I, uh, told her to go watch Boku no Pico." She grimaced. "She hasn't texted me back all day. I…didn't think…she would take it s-seriously? I mean…doesn't everyone know that…uh…anyway."

"SO…YOU BOTH PLAYED PRANKS ON EACH OTHER. WHICH MUST MEAN…IT IS _INDEED_ APRIL FOOL'S DAY!"

"W-was there ever any doubt? I mean, it _i-is_ April 1st…"

"BUT YOU SAID—"

"I-I say a lot of things because I'm really actually just insec—oh, n-nevermind! What's your point?"

"MY POINT IS…" Papyrus couldn't help it; he felt like some sort of Film Noir detective. He posed dramatically, bending down to whisper (as best he could) in her ear. "…Sans has been pretending _not to know_ it's April Fools' Day all day. I'm worried."

"A-aww…Papyrus, that's so sweet! Do you think he's all right? …M-maybe—"

"I MEAN, I CAN'T GO _ANYWHERE_ WITHOUT CONSTANTLY HAVING TO LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER FOR…FOR A WHOOPEE CUSHION, OR A BANANA PEEL, OR A HAND BUZZER, OR…OR!" He clasped his hands to his head, doubling over. "I'M AT MY WITS' END!"

"...Oh. S-so, that's it. Um…" She shrugged. "I…I'm sorry, but there's not m-much I can do to help you? U-um…just try to be super c-careful around cracked mirrors!" She paused, and looked down at her feet. "…Err…but y-you already knew that…so…"

"heya. what's happening?"

Both Papyrus and Alphys jumped.

"SANS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"uh, standing. wait, hold on…now I'm thinking about that lamp. yup, it's a great lamp, all right. back to standing." He faked a yawn. "you guys have been over here for a long time now. planning secret things?"

"U-uh…"

"YES! VERY SECRET! SO SECRET YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH WE CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—" His laugh felt fake, even to him.

"you don't have to keep it a secret from me, bro. we're family. c'mon, what's so bad you can't share it with your own flesh and bl—"

"BOKU NO PICO!" Before Sans could finish a terrible lead-in to vaguely humorous commentary on the features skeletons lack, Papyrus blurted out the first excuse that came to mind. That _was_ the name of the anime baby cartoon she had mentioned, right?

Alphys's face flushed red. "Oh, no," she whispered.

"…boku no what now?"

"BOKU NO…PICO, RIGHT? YES! SHE WAS EXPLAINING TO ME ITS…UH…ARTITIC MERITS! AND HOW IT IT _NOT_ A CARTOON FOR BABIES! AND I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WAS LISTENING ATTENTIVELY BECAUSE I AM VERY GREAT! ISN'T THAT RIGHT?"

"U-uh, yeah!" With any luck, Sans wouldn't know what she was talking about. She crossed her claws, took a deep breath, and continued. "It's a very heartwarming story about two kids, and, uh, young love, and…uh…" She stuttered to a halt, failing to come up with any more B.S.

"well. I won't judge your tastes. but…" He turned to Papyrus as Alphys buried her face in her claws, turning a particularly unhealthy shade of red all over. "Paps, you hate anime. it…doesn't seem like you, talking with her about it this long."

"I WASN'T TALKING, I WAS LISTENING! BECAUSE SHE SEEMED VERY EXCITED!"

"you pulled her over here."

"NO, I—"

"yeah, you did. you've seemed weird all day, pal. what's got your bones rattled?"

 _Well, actually, it's you and your April Fools' Day jokes and I KNOW IT'S COMING YOU CAN'T FOOL ME AND—_

"yep, didn't even say anything about the pun. something's wrong, all right. come on; we're gonna go talk this out."

And with that, Sans led Papyrus away to regions unknown, leaving Alphys to cry in the snow that it was a misconception just a misconception no no no NO SANS COME BACK HERE EXCEPT NOT REALLY AAAAUUUUGGGH—

* * *

"Grillby, we'll have a double order of hot chocolate."

As Sans placed their order, Papyrus very carefully did a once-over of the counter. No whoopee cushion on the seat, no hand buzzer on the salt shaker, no—

"uh…bro, do you have…complex feelings for that stool or something?"

Flushing, Papyrus took a seat. At least he had confirmed that none of the screws were loose, though it was too bad the same thing couldn't be said for his head.

"UM, YES!" He waved one arm through the air grandly, pulling the other one around the seat in an awkward still-seated-half-hug. "WE SHALL BE WED IN THE MORN…OR SOMETHING!"

"yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing I wanted to talk about." Sans settled in, and looked up at his brother. "I know you. you wouldn't marry a chair…at least, not one you just met. you have standards. at least one date, mutual interest in spaghetti…something hasn't been right with you all day. what is it?"

"NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT!" He looked down, pretending to brood like a cool dude as he frantically stalled for answers. "I HAVE…DEVELOPED SOME COMPLICATED FEELING OVER SOMETHING ELSE!"

"oh, really? who? …or, uh, what?"

"IT WAS…" His mind reeled, going through the day's events. Waking up, paranoia, tea, cocoa, puzzles, Alphys, Sans, Horrible Great Bucket Grillby's, Alphys, ALPHYS—

"IT'S MEW MEW!"

"…Mew Mew?"

"YES! ~DEMON ANGEL PRETTY MEW MEW PRINCESS KISSY A LA MODE SUKI YO DOKI DOKI DESU WA~! I THINK!"

"oh. did…Alphys show you one of her animes? funny, since she's never told me about that one…"

"YES! SHE DID! THE BRAND-NEW SPINOFF OF THAT ONE SHOW! AND I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER EVER SINCE!"

"oh. so you like anime now?"

"YES! THAT'S WHAT ALPHYS WAS TALKING ABOUT EARLIER! IT'S SO EMBARASSING, BUT I LIKE BABY CARTOONS FOR BABIES!" Papyrus almost wanted to crawl under his not-chair-wife and die, but that would be very unfitting for someone as great as the Great Papyrus. He had to be strong—had to keep Sans from finding out the date, just in case he truly _had_ managed to forget the date and—

"is that it? Paps, you didn't have to hide that from me. Undyne likes them too, and she's not a baby. hey, maybe you two could get together sometime and—"

"NO! PLEASE, DON'T TELL ANYONE! IT'S…" _It's horribly embarrassing and also completely NOT TRUE_ "I'M NOT READY FOR ANYONE ELSE TO KNOW YET! OUR LOVE IS OUR O—"

"Two cocoas, was it?" Grillby placed two steaming mugs on the counter.

Papyrus's face froze mid-rant, jaw open and eye sockets bulging(?). How much of that had he heard?

"thanks, Grillbz. sentry duty froze me to the bone." He warmed his hands over the top of his mug.

Something occurred to Papyrus. He had made a fatal mistake.

He had allowed Sans to buy him a drink on April Fools' Day.

No, this wasn't good. There was no guarantee that Sans hadn't tipped Grillby off beforehand. Who knew what was in that drink?

He nonchalantly sniffed it. It didn't smell of pepper, at least; though, in retrospect, he would probably be sneezing by now if it did. He couldn't afford any more careless mistakes; he would have to apply his full remaining attention to surviving the day if he hoped to make it through.

"what are you doing? it'll get cold." Papyrus could see a milk moustache on Sans's maxilla; he had started drinking while he was forming a battle strategy. "oh, did you not want cocoa? I'm sorry, bro. I could ask him for tea, or—"

"N-NO, IT'S FINE! REALLY!" Papyrus grinned completely casually, his eyebrows(?) shooting upwards. "IT LOOKS COMPLETELY DELICIOUS AND WARM AND NOT TAINED AND—"

"uh, you might wanna stop waving that around. there's a little running down the side—hey, let me get that—"

"NO SANS THERE'S NO NEED TO TOUCH IT REALLY EVERYTHING IS FIII—"

 _Crash._

The mug hit the floor, shattering into pieces. Hot chocolate flowed across the floor.

"…"

"…"

Silence filled the pub.

"Grillby…GRILLBY! I'M SO SORRY!" No, this wasn't worth it. Even drinking cocoa laced with lemon juice or pepper or whatever horrible thing Sans had undoubtedly put in it wasn't worth this. "I'LL CLEAN IT UP, AND I FEEL SO TERRIBLE ABOUT THE CUP—" He grabbed some napkins and began cleaning up the mess. Grillby watched in silence.

"…you're still acting weird, huh?"

"…"

"come on, what is it? whatever it is, you can tell me. I hate seeing you like this."

"…"

"…"

"…Sans, it's April Fools' Day."

"are you sure? last time I checked, it was—"

"NO, IT'S APRIL. AS IN, APRIL THE FIRST. THE DAY YOU'RE _SUPPOSED_ TO PLAY PRANKS ON ME. LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. AND I EXPECTED YOU TO. I SPENT THE _WHOLE DAY—_ " Here he began scrubbing the floor far harder than he needed to—"AVOIDING YOUR CHIILDISH PRANKS, AND FOR WHAT?"

"…but Paps, it's only March 31. you know, because of the leap year."

"THE…THE LEAP YEAR…" He stopped, pondering this new information.

"…WAIT, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! IF YOU DIDN'T ACCOUNT FOR THE LEAP YEAR, YOU'D THINK IT WAS APRIL 2! YOU WOULD HAVE PRANKED ME _YESTERDAY!_ IN WHAT _UNIVERSE_ DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?"

"…in all the alternate ones."

"WHAT? STOP TALKING NONSESE. I'M THROUGH WITH Y—"

"Paps, didn't you know? there are a million different versions of us. there's a "me" that acts like "you," and a "you" that acts like "me." there's one where we dance, and one where we act all emo, and one where we're death gods, and one where I'm infected by this totally radical parasite, and…"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" With the flood of total and complete nonsense, the wild Papyrus's Boondoggling Threshold was surpassed. His natural defense mechanism triggered, and he ran out the door, screaming all the way down the street.

Every monster in the pub stared in shock. Silence fell.

"What just happened, dear?"

"I don't know, Dogaressa. I just don't know."

"…So he couldn't handle the truth, could he?" Grillby leaned on the counter, unnaturally cool for someone who had just been the victim of property damage and also happened to be made of flames.

"...heheheheh." It began as a chuckle; then, he erupted into full-on laughter. After a moment of silence, Grillby couldn't help but join in.

"52. 52 for every one of my past jokes that he avoided. and 53…for convincing him I forgot my favorite holiday." He gripped the counter, tears streaming from his eyes. "so? was it worth the cup, or what?"

"I think you should be asking yourself that question. It's going on your tab, and I'm not cleaning up that mess."

"right, right." Sans got ready to pick up where Papyrus had left off—

But then there was a flash of light…

* * *

Manizu Mary-Sue Jenkins woke up on April 1st.

"Kuso!" She shouted. "The chapter was all a dream! But I still need to update Everyday Life with Skelebros with an April Fools' Chapter!"

But then the towering stack of books in the corner of her room fell over!

And she was hit on the head with an unabridged edition of _The Stand_ and died.

There was never an April Fools' Day update. This horrible mess of a chapter never happened.

Then the universe ended.

Stupid self-insert crap—always ruining everything.

* * *

 **Epilogue:**

"Mettaton, please take this instruction manual to Sans and Papyrus."

"April Fools', Darling!"

"M-mettaton, stop it. …P-please?"

"April Fools', Darling!"

"I know your voice chip isn't broken. I…I looked at it this morning. S-so…"

"April Fools', Darling!"

"Y-you know…I…got some fan letters for you t-today. A-all piled up under the mail slot—thousands of them."

"Really? You mean—my eight fans—no!" The robot was beside himself. "Even my eight fans couldn't have—darling, my fanbase has grown! Do you realize what this m—" Mettaton paused, realizing for himself exactly what this meant.

"A-April Fools', Darling."

Dejectedly, Mettaton took the instruction manual in hand and rolled out the door, mumbling something about "can't wait for the destruction of humanity so I don't have to share a house with you stupid weeaboo lizard" along the way.

Alphys smiled, tucking a single envelope into her lab coat.

Well. It wouldn't be what he had hoped for, but maybe it would make him just a little happy.

* * *

 **Blooper Reel #1:**

 _(Based on Manizu's dumb half-asleep typo)_

"DON'T YOU 'HEYA' ME. I KNOW YOUR TRUCKS!"

He looked over at the TV, where Sans was watching a literal Monster Truck rally. With monsters. And, y'know, trucks.

* * *

 **Blooper Reel #2:**

"I mean…doesn't everyone know that…uh…anyway—"

"doesn't everyone know what?" Sans popped out of nowhere at exactly the right moment to completely ruin a heartwarming conversation about [CENSORED—ah, there's the T rating]. "that that joke is totally overused? that it's 2016 now, and Manizu should really move on from that joke? that she's secretly having me break the fourth wall right now because she has a weird not-crush on me and doesn't know how to feel about that, but somehow desperately wants me to be real?" He waved through Manizu's computer screen. "hiya."

Manizu promptly took her computer to the friendly neighborhood repair shop and got it exorcised. Stupid self-insert crap—always ruining everything.

* * *

 **Blooper Reel #3:**

 **"** YES! VERY SECRET! SO SECRET YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH WE CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—"

"really, bro? …we never keep secrets from each other. we're family."

And just like that, this fic became bootleg Flowey is Not a Good Life Coach.

* * *

 **Notes/Manizu Chatter:**

IT'S NOT YET MIDNIGHT WHERE I AM SOOOOOO—

To readers from the future: hello! This chapter was written in 2016, so that accounts for the leap year.

Cliché chapter is cliché. (But I've been planning an April Fools' Chapter since Valentine's Day…?)

April is going to be pretty…intense, so I can't guarantee an update until likely sometime in May. But the story will continue, and the Munchkin arc that's been running since January will…conclude? Maybe?

I really feel like Sans would be the type to MST3K crappy old sci-fi movies. But Papyrus is too easily scared to watch them with him, so he just sits there and yells at the characters on his own (I mean, hey, if he talks to doors…)

Concerning the epilogue: while I totally support the theory that Alphys and Mettaton actually have a really good relationship, I wouldn't doubt that they get into their occasional fights (mostly over Mettaton being a complete diva).


End file.
